TTFT - Wonderland Edition

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I tried to pick tracks this week that sort of reflect how I've been feeling this past week. Things are just getting worse and worse with my grandmother, and I'm trying so hard to balance all that stress, responsibility and worry with also being a !!!! future mom. I have good days and I have bad days, just like my grandmother does. Today is quickly shaping up to be not so great a day, so as usual I gave myself some self therapy through mixing. What I ended up getting was ridiculously personal, and I hope that you like it.

"My Teacher Died" by Diane Cluck is one of my favorite songs, probably because it reminds me of my grandfather. I feel like so much changed for me after he died; mentally I felt lost for a long time. I try to remind myself that if *I* felt lost after his death, my grandmother must be in a completely different orbit now. I followed that up with "The New Sane Scramble" (if you can find the album version of this song, you should- it's much better) because I feel like that song (the tone, the lyrics) is where my grandmother is right now in her mind. Her dementia has taken her over so completely ; every day for her is a scramble of sadness and paranoia. The rest of the songs all follow that same theme- strange, strained, looking for a way home. There's a trippy overall feel to the entire playlist because I feel like living in this house with her is a little like living in Wonderland- there is no solid reality.

Leave it to me, as always, to over think the feelings behind everything- at the very least my predictability must be comforting to some of you, yes?