"Are the stars out tonight?"

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Seriously guys, I'm sorry my entries lately have been so short or otherwise non-existent. Living here with my grandmother has been so much more draining to me than I thought it would be. She needs so much care and attention, but because of her own notoriously strong-willed personality it's virtually impossible to give it to her. We've had a lot of really bad, scary nights because of her dementia, and I was starting to think that I'd gotten myself in over my head. But I've been opening up to a lot of her visiting nurses and therapists about my own feelings and thankfully they're working toward getting BOTH of us the help we need, and soon. I won't get too into it, but the possibility of her ever being able to live alone again is slim to none. I've been trying my best not to dwell too much on death and being elderly, since I SHOULD be focusing on babies and new beginnings, but it's hard sometimes. I'll just say that I hope when it's my time to go that I just get hit by a bus the day after my 70th birthday- anything quick, painless, and dignified.

I also need to say how in awe I am of people who can devote their lives to taking care of older people. Every single person who's been here to see my grandmother, whether it's her home health aide, her physical therapist, her dementia nurse, etc, has been absolutely amazing with her. I don't know how they do the work they do every day and still have hearts un-broken enough to love their own families with at the end of the day. One of her nurses (my favorite) even takes care of her own elderly mother with Alzheimer's in her home when she's done taking care of everyone else's! Thank god for them, thank god.

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Aside from that, not too much has been going on that's terribly report-worthy. My baby belly is finally significant enough that I don't just feel like a giant trucker/blob anymore, and the idea of going out in public is starting to seem more appealing to me than it has in months. My mother is taking me out this weekend to buy some spring weather maternity clothes and I'm actually excited about it. It's hard to find maternity clothes I like, though, especially since it's hard for me to find clothes I really like in stores anyway. But my mind is open! Hopefully in the sea of shapeless black sacks I'll be able to find something colorful and flowing.

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I've been working on a mix for the lovely Miss Erica, a mix I've been tweaking and perfecting for nearly a year now. It's a story mix, or a mix that acts as sort of a stand alone soundtrack to a very specific time in my life, with the story told in the lyrics of the songs I choose. I'm notorious for getting caught up in story mixes for months and sometimes years at a time, "perfecting" them beyond perfection like some kind of mad scientist. I spent a good deal of time on it yesterday and I think it actually might be finished, or, you know, as finished as it will ever be. I should just burn and mail it before I have the chance to change anything else; finally getting all of that painful negativity out of me and into someone else's objective hands will do me nothing but good, I'm sure.

One of the songs on the mix is "I Only Have Eyes But You" by the Flamingos, and every time I listen to that song I'm overcome with the urge to write about how much I fucking love it. One of the main reasons for my obsession with doowop in general is my preoccupation with how every doowop recording itself is a record of a musical event. Back then every instrument (including vocals) was recorded all at once, in one room, so when you listen to an old soul or doowop record you're hearing a true musical moment caught on tape. "I Only Have Eyes For You," when you listen to it thinking about that, is an absolutely mind blowing song. I'd love to cover it, but I know I would never be able to do it's original naive dreaminess any justice.

Another reason to give doowop a shot: there's literally nothing better to put on in the background on summer nights, when everyone's just hanging around having beers and talking. Doowop IS the sound of summer nights. Try it and you'll see exactly what I mean.