The Terribly Unsexy Truth About Pregnancy

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I never thought I would have children, to be honest. I always worried that I was too restless and fickle to be a good mother. The unborn human peanut and I have an understanding, though; essentially, the limits of what I previously thought I was capable of putting up with for love are being tested and redrawn every day. Four months in, I haven't had the grandest, easiest time; I'm certainly still not one of those "pregnancy is beautiful" types. I'm officially one of those lucky moms who has persistent morning (afternoon & night) sickness well past their first trimester, I can't run around and jostle myself with fun anymore, I fall asleep on the couch at 8pm with friends over, I face unimaginable boredom every day, my life is completely changing, more and more every day but- somehow I'm still pumped beyond belief and already filled to the gills with love for the Littlest One. Amazing what a little maternal instinct will do, isn't it?

Pregnancy is, above all things, strangely magical and insanely creepy. Considering that anyone with a working womb is allowed to do it, I think the truth should be put right out there for everyone. No one ever told me this shit, probably because they figure it would scare me off of the idea completely.

1.) Your brain will shrink (temporarily); My boyfriend David read this in a book for expectant fathers, which sent me running to the internet to confirm. It turns out it's true; the baby is drinking my brain. Does this mean my most core inner-workings were created with the help of my mother's brain fluid? Should I include a thanks for this in my next mothers day card?

2.) If you don't want stretch marks, you have to put the belly balm on three times a day; If you're as lazy as I am, you'll hate this as much as I do. Retreating to the bedroom three times a day to slime myself with "belly butter" is not my idea of a good time. Naively I thought a little rub down with some lotion when I got out of the shower would be enough- not so. Goo it up, ladies.

3.) A lot of the initial weight you gain goes to places other than your belly; Strangers won't ooh and ahh over your pregnant physique until AFTER you've looked like a trucker for 6 months. The only word I can think of to describe this process is "thickening." I've just been thickening, for months now, like one of those pellets you put in water that slowly expands to become a sea turtle shaped sponge, except I'm a lot less cute. My sponge is.... vaguely blob-like in nature.

4.) Your breasts do get bigger, but they're so sensitive/itchy/achy that it doesn't even matter; At this point, if it were up to me I would just not wear shirts, ever. Seriously.

5.) You get hairy; going along with our previous trucker theme, you'll notice hair starting to grow in places it never did before, and never should have to begin with. It grows in dark, it grows in fast, it grows in on your stomach and your face. Maybe there was a cavelady somewhere a few thousand years ago who was thankful for this development, but it doesn't help me all that much.

I'm sorry- I wouldn't tell you this if I didn't care about you.