Following Serval Appreciation Day, I ethically question humanity

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

When he was rescued Felix pointed to the moon, which he was seeing for the first time, and said: “Is that God up there?”
- "Dungeon Children Speak Animal Language

When the focus of my collegiate studies (which shifted much too often, unfortunately) was Abnormal Psychology, I took a particularly interest in the concept of "feral children," or children who (for various reasons) have limited or minimal human contact in the first years of their lives. The actual amount of feral children "raised by wolves" or other animals is slim to none, but there have been plenty of cases involving abused/neglected children who were confined for long periods, sometimes decades, and never taught to speak or interact.

The most famous "wild child" in recent history, prior to this absolutely horrifying Austrian sex slave debacle, was a young girl rescued in the 70's, referred to in studies as "Genie." She spent the first 13 years of her life chained either to a bed or to a potty chair in a room with the windows covered. There was nothing in her surroundings to engage her mind, facilitate creative thinking, or give any indication to a world outside of it. Although many people were captivated by her and attempted in every way they knew to help her adapt, Genie never learned to communicate beyond a toddler's level, at least by our modern standards of grammar.

What fascinated me the most about Genie's story was the way she seemed to ooze a secret, pure humanity that other people responded to naturally and without prompting. If "wild children" in general raise the question of what truly makes us human, I would go one step further and say that Genie's "power" over others proved that much of the pure magic of humanity is lost in the unnatural convenience of our modern society. That's not to say (obviously) that I condone isolation or abuse in any way, only that it seems evident that, underneath all of the developmental and psychological ramifications of her abuse, Genie possessed a "magic" of sorts that other human beings seemed not to. Strangers saw her and, without knowing her background or interacting with her, were compelled to touch her, love her, give her presents and show her affection.

"There was a time that she passed a father and a little boy who were coming out of a shop, and the little boy was carrying a toy fire engine. And they just passed, and then they turned around and came back, and the boy, without a word, handed the fire engine to Genie. She never asked for it. She never said a word. She did that kind of thing, somehow, to people." -James Kent, Genie's primary psychologist


"One particularly striking memory of those early months was an absolutely wonderful man who was a butcher, and he never asked her name, he never asked anything about her. They just connected and communicated somehow. And every time we came in he would slide open the little window and hand her something that wasn't wrapped, a bone of some sort, some meat, fish, whatever. And he would allow her to do her thing with it, to explore it tactilely, to put it up against her lips and feel it with her lips and touch it." -Susan Curtiss, Genie's psycholinguist


It could be argued that this phenomenon speaks to that same latent "humanity" I mentioned earlier, but proves that it's contained inside *all* people. However, that would be the same "humanity" that tied Genie to a chair and kept her in diapers for 13 years. It's a dichotomy that I very badly wanted to be able to explain. What DOES make us human? Do certain people living within our society possess more or less humanity than others? Is unimaginable cruelty itself as human as compassion? What was Genie's true "power" over other human beings? Have we lost, through centuries upon centuries of "civilization," our ability to communicate our "souls" (or what have you) to one another without the use of words?

It reminds me of a favorite poem of mine, "Buried" by Michael Ondjaate.

What we lost:

The interior love poem
the deeper levels of the self
landscapes of daily life

dates when the abandonment
of certain principles occurred.

The rule of courtesy - how to enter
a temple or forest, how to touch
a master’s feet before lesson or performance.

The art of the drum. The art of eye-painting.
How to cut an arrow. Gestures between lovers.
The pattern of her teeth marks on his skin
drawn by a monk from memory.

The limits of betrayal. The five ways
a lover could mock an ex-lover.

Nine finger and eye gestures
to signal key emotions.

The small boats of solitude.

Lyrics that rose
from love
back into the air
naked with guile
and praise.

Our works and days.

We knew how monsoons
(south-west, north-east)
would govern behavior
and when to discover
the knowledge of the dead
hidden in clouds,
in rivers, in unbroken rock.

All this we burned or traded for power and wealth
from the eight compass points of vengeance

from the two levels of envy."


As I said earlier, I in no way condone abuse or neglect and wouldn't even go so far as to say that a human life with it's primitive powers still intact is better or worse than our own. I only think it's interesting to think about what being human really AMOUNTS to, because I feel like "humanity" as we know it in the modern world is mostly learned as opposed to inherently felt. M. Gira (of the Swans/Angels of Light) once said, "We're in a new age, for sure. The only reality for us now is pain or orgasm. Everything else is on the news. But it's also a sort of heaven - at least our ancestors might have thought so." Do so called "feral children," having been deprived of a life inside our man-made "heaven," retain a magical sort of frail humanity that can only come from a yearning for such a "heaven?"

The capacity for these children to learn how to live in "society" as we know it is dire and virtually nil. If they're not, in a sense, taught to be "civilized" in the first years of life, it's generally accepted by psychologists that they are incapable of ever becoming so. Reinforcing my feeling that modern humanity is taught, the same can be said of language- children who aren't taught a language in the first years of life lose the ability to ever fully learn the concepts behind any language.

Are we looking at it all backwards, though, or at least missing the blunt peek at our own beginnings which are contained within these terrible tragedies? Is society in general, like our languages and technology, convenient to such a degree that it's slowly evolved to replace major aspects of our primary humanity? If a group of "wild children" were brought up in a space where no concurrent physical or psychological abuse occurred, would we see them as developmentally delayed (Genie was labeled as "retarded" by the world at large, in spite of the fact that her brain was completely healthy and she had no existing genetic disorders) or would they have things to teach US about who we really are, as human animals?

This recent case in Austria is different in many ways from Genie's, and much about it is still unclear. The children's mother, though described as "intensely disturbed" and generally unable to communicate herself, was exposed to modern society for the first 18 years of her life. What she was able to teach her children in the 24 years following her captivity, if anything, is not yet known. The children apparently also had a television set, but still seem completely befuddled by the "outside world." Felix, who is 5 years old, can walk but prefers to crawl. The siblings communicate with each other using a series of grunts and growls that vaguely resemble words. Whether or not they'll ever be able to truly "function" by our modern standards within our redefined definitions of humanity is unclear.

An Austrian professor had this to say about the children: “They may have created their own illusory world. However, a normal life could be possible for them.”

Normal by whose standards? Should we really expect them to "acclimate" to our mortal heaven simply because we can't imagine life any other way? What is the solution? No one in their right mind would ever suggest that their life in captivity was in ANY way normal or ideal, but the differences between these children and other's raised modernly can't be ignored if we're going to be humane (there's that word again). Should an alternate environment be created for them, particularly the oldest children who are 18 and 19? I don't have the answers, and maybe no one ever will. I only hope that they'll continue to know love.

April 29, Serval Appreciation Day

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Okay, as far as I know there's no actual Serval Appreciation Day. However, it's clearly obvious that there should be as this threatened animal is totally the best. I don't know about you guys, but there is A LOT of room in my heart for a lanky, wild kitty with bat ears that looks like an Alice in Wonderland character, albeit one that wants to eat you.



Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Mammalia
Order: Carnivora
Family: Felidae
Genus: Leptailurus
Species: Serval
Basically: BAD-ASS


Servals are loners that communicate mainly through urinating and spitting on things. They're unique from other wildcats because of their long legs (3 feet long!) that can reach into deep holes and scoop out prey. The are extremely successful hunters due to their TOTALLY SWEET ABILITY TO JUMP TEN FEET STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR and switch directions completely while maintaining very high speeds. Basically, they are the best.


"If you were ten feet tall, I could still claw your eyes out!" - Awesome Serval


Some people keep Servals as pets, which is obviously bogus. I say this with the full knowledge that my Cosmo, who is at least partly melantistic bengal, is also descendant of a wild cat who should have been left alone in the jungle. (Psst- Melanistic is a fancy way of saying "black" in zoology.) As much as I love him, there is obviously a part of him that would be way happier eating moles in the forest.

Melanistic Servals, while rare, do exist. And they are even more awesome than regular Servals because they're completely terrifying. Imagine strolling around the mountains of Kenya and suddenly seeing this guy peering at you from behind some brush (in the dark, since dudes are mostly nocturnal)?


"I'm inside your mind." -Awesome melanistic Serval


A short scourge of youtube showed me that most people who appreciate the Serval are just as awesome as the animal itself. I found tribute videos with music by U2, Shadow's Fall, and Ne-Yo's "Sweetest Drug." The U2 one was by far the best, though:



Happy Serval Appreciation Day, friends!

Resolution (or !!!!!)

Friday, April 25, 2008

Oh my god, fuck it, we did it- it ended up costing us even more money than we thought (more than my first car cost, we'll leave it at that) but after we got through (the server went down a few times, but Davey is the ultimate ticket securer) and the tickets were booked we were jumping around the kitchen, shouting incoherently.

I ended up talking to my mother about it yesterday, since she's typically the one who tells me to think realistically about things (rightly, since she's tried to save me from an innumerable amount of personal disasters throughout my life, in spite of the fact that I've rarely listened) and I thought she would convince me not to buy the tickets. Instead she was excited and enthusiastic about it, and even encouraged us to get a room right inside the venue instead of a hotel room outside of it, which would have saved us a few hundred bucks. I had been looking at a lot of different lodging options, including camping, renting an RV, and staying at a Best Western a town over. But my mother, typically a paragon of parental-type reality checks, said that I have no idea how much my life is going to change after the baby is born and that I should consider this my slightly belated "babymoon" since nothing after it will ever be the same. "Go all out!" She said, "Don't put yourself in the position where you guys need to worry about traffic or driving or never being able to split up or having to sober up if you don't want to; just go and enjoy it and have the most carefree possible time." Weighing that in on top of the overall truly legendary feeling of this festival and the knowledge (as Natasha commented yesterday) that we'd kick ourselves for the rest of our lives if we didn't go finally pushed us to decide to get tickets if we could. So we did! Eeeee!

I think I've mentioned this before, but David and I are in a truly unique and uncharacteristically convenient position right now, money-wise. We're going to be living in a five room house rent and utilities free for the next two years; Massachusetts has a five year look back period to seize non-monetary assets from people in elder care, like my grandmother, if/when they can no longer pay for the care on their own. It's fucked up, but it's the law. My grandmother transferred ownership of the house to my mother and my aunt after my grandfather died in 2005, meaning there's two more years left before we'll feel comfortable selling it or whatever we decide to do. We don't *anticipate* my grandmother's other assets running out, but don't want to do anything rash just in case. In the meantime David and I will raise the baby here while saving up money for our own place, preferably somewhere a little more pastoral than Springfield. We still have to pay for food, gas, and car and baby-related things, obviously, but we've got a free roof over our heads for the time being, which is ridiculously lucky and one of the major reasons why I thought spending such a large amount of money on festival tickets would be okay (or at least not COMPLETELY irresponsible)- it's the right time and place, and we'll probably never be in a position like this again.

Focusing on the positive, here's what David and I now have to look forward to in late September:

1.) Staying on-site at Kutsher's Country Club, where all of the shows will be taking place in small, intimate, indoor venues. Everything will literally only be a short walk away at all times, and we won't have to drive at all once we get there if we don't want to.

2.) Once again: We get to see MY BLOODY VALENTINE play to 3,000 people MAX, not to mention similarly small performances by Built to Spill, Mogwai, Thee Silver Mt. Zion Orchestra, Low, Shellac, Tortoise, and Thurston Moore (performing all of "Psychic Hearts!")

3.) More performers are going to be announced soon! Who knows who else we'll get to see?!? We entertained ourselves all of last night fantasizing about it.

4.) My return to Upstate NY, where I once used to live some time ago in one of my many former lives. The Catskills aren't Rochester/Buffalo by any stretch of the imagination, but it warms my heart just the same.

Eeee!!!!!!

Quandry

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I don't know if many of you know this or not as I'm (not so) woefully disconnected from music media, but a few days ago David informed me that All Tomorrow's Parties is holding it's first ever group of shows in the US this fall, in Monticello, NY. The lineup of bands so far is basically right out of what my wildest fantasies were at 18 years old, almost as if a very old prayer was only recently answered. My Bloody Valentine (!!!), Built to Spill playing all of "Perfect From Now On," Mogwai, Shellac, Low, A Silver Mt. Zion, Polvo and a ton of other bands that I'd basically given up all hope of ever seeing live, never-mind all in a row and in intimate, smaller venues. If Cat Power was suddenly added to play all of "Moon Pix" a wormhole would be created enabling me to literally travel completely back in time to the year 2000. In case it wasn't obvious, what I'm essentially saying is that this is SERIOUS dream come true territory for me.

The issues? Tickets are RIDICULOUSLY expensive- $225 for three days of shows (so $450 for both of us), not counting hotel accommodations. We're guessing that all together it would cost us $500-$700 total, which is an unbelievable amount of money to us. We have a lot of money saved and can definitely afford it, but it's still such a high number that we're having trouble wrapping our heads around it. Finding someone to watch the baby won't be an issue for us (this is my mother's first grandchild and she would basically adopt him if we'd let her), but I'm not sure how I'll feel about leaving him for three days when the time comes, especially since we're already taking off for an day in August to see Radiohead & Grizzly Bear.

Tickets go on sale tomorrow, and we're still undecided. I really and truly would love to go, only because I feel like as the baby gets older and we get more and more wrapped up in the trials and tribulations of parenthood things like this will only become LESS realistic for us. Also My Bloody Valentine last played in America half of my life ago, and who knows if and when they will again?

I have construed a cheap little poll below if anyone feels like helping me out. What to do, what to dooooooooooo!!!!

$$$$$

Should David and I spend roughly $700 to see My Bloody Valentine, Built to Spill, Low, Mogwai, Shellac, Silver Mt. Zion, Polvo and other amazing bands I never thought I'd ever get to see live at ATP NY?
WHAT? YES!!!! My Bloody Valentine?!
WHAT? NO!!!! $700!?!

View Results


The Great Renovation, Part 1

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

As I've mentioned before, my grandmother recently moved from her home of 50 years into an Assisted Living facility with special dementia care. Upon leaving, she left David and I in the house to stay for at least two years so that we can raise the baby somewhere safe while saving up money to eventually get our own place somewhere other than Springfield. I love Springfield in that "face only a mother could love" way that some people love their ugly, mangy cats, but that doesn't mean I want to raise my son here, heh.

This has left us with roughly two months to do crazy renovations here before the baby comes, the first of which (obviously) is gutting out the den to turn it into the nursery. Five generations of my family have now lived in this house, and the den used to be my mother's childhood bedroom. Before that, it was my great grandfathers bedroom when he came to live with my grandparents many, many, many years ago. David and I (with help from my wonderful family) will be stripping off two layers of paint, a layer of blue and pink psychedelic floral wallpaper (<3 Mom!), another layer of paint AND (as it turns out) another layer of ancient, super-thin wallpaper that belonged to my great grandfather. No one knew it was still under there, so it caused a rush of surprise nostalgia for my mother. She says her earliest memory is of staring at that wallpaper (it's really intricate, full of vintage asian village scenes- rice paddies, chinese red pine trees, grass huts and elaborate old sampans), so it was a thrill to uncover it after so many years. My mother even wrote the first poem she'd written in almost 30 years about it! Amazing, amazing.


A little peak at the old wallpaper


Before we knew the gender of the baby (before the baby even had a "gender," really) Davey and I had decided on an outer space theme for the nursery, which we imagined would be colorful, bright and bold. We started to get discouraged, though, after a little while of only finding cutesy pastel sleepy moon and stars patterns everywhere we went, and began to think we might have to take a different approach. My mother though, being the absolute saint that she is, somehow found this, the most amazing crib set ever. It's all bold, primary colors and has ALL of the planets, not just the moon, with their names under them and little space aliens peppered all across it. The base paint we picked out is Disney paint, a really bright blue called "Galactic Sky." We plan to paint planets and stars all over it in a billion different colors as well as sticking this mobile in the window. It's going to be a lot of work, but I'm so jazzed and enthusiastic about doing it that I doubt it will take much time at all.

I'm honestly shocked at how easy it is to cook up a tremendously awesome, literal dream nursery without having to spend a lot of money. All you have to do is be patient, and on the lookout constantly. For example we have this amazing crib, one of those solid wood convertible ones that turns into a daybed for when the child is a toddler and then AGAIN to a full sized bed for when he's older. It normally would be laughably out of our price range, but because my mother happened to find a factory return with no mattress at an outlet store we snagged it for $150!!!! We've been so *lucky* lately, it's the only way I can describe it. It just seems like everything keeps happening the way it's meant to, you know?

Cosmic Creepers (our cat, for those who don't remember) is pretty confused and upset with us at this point, since the den had somehow become his room prior to all of this, unofficially. He had a totally sweet window to guard with a perfectly sized bookcase under it that he could lounge on the top of. The window overlooked the backyard, which is full of squirrels and all different varieties of birds this time of year, all of which he desperately loved to croak and squeak at. Now that he's locked out of "his room" he rebels by crawling all over the old den furniture that's now, for the time being, stuffed into the living room. This is what I woke up to this morning:


Cosmo the Couch King


I'll try to keep you guys updated on the room as it progresses. Also, if anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears for them!

Transformations | Joy Harjo

Friday, April 18, 2008

This poem is a letter to tell you that I have smelled the hatred you
have tried to find me with; you would like to destroy me. Bone splin-
tered in the eye of one you choose to name your enemy won't make
it better for you to see. It could take a thousand years if you name it
that way, but then, to see after all that time, never could anything
be so clear. Memory has many forms. When I think of early winter I
think of a blackbird laughing in the frozen air; guards a piece of
light. (I saw the whole world caught in that sound, the sun stopped
for a moment because of tough belief.) I don't know what that has
to do with what I am trying to tell you except that I know you can
turn a poem into something else. This poem could be a bear tread-
ing the far northern tundra, smelling the air for sweet alive meat.
Or a piece of seaweed stumbling in the sea. Or a blackbird, laugh-
ing. What I mean is that hatred can be turned into something else,
if you have the right words, the right meanings, buried in that ten-
der place in your heart where the most precious animals live. Down
the street an ambulance has come to rescue an old man who is
slowly losing his life. Not many can see that he is already becoming
the backyard tree he has tended for years, before he moves on. He is
not sad, but compassionate for the fears moving around him.

That's what I mean to tell you. On the other side of the place you
live stands a dark woman. She has been trying to talk to you for
years. You have called the same name in the middle of a night-
mare, from the center of miracles. She is beautiful.
This is your hatred back. She loves you.

-Joy Harjo

Radiohead & Grizzly Bear @ The Tweeter Center

Monday, April 14, 2008

Thanks to David's quick thinking the other day (we were driving in the middle of nowhere when he suddenly remembered that tickets had just gone on sale, so we detoured to my parents house where we used to mothers laptop to get tickets), he, Renee and I somehow secured tickets to see Radiohead & Grizzly Bear on August 12th at the Tweeter Center in Mansfield!





This will be the second time I'll have seen Radiohead live (the first was at Suffolk Downs in 2001) and my first time seeing Grizzly Bear, whom I absolutely love and have been wanting to see for a while now. It's going to be tough to beat the show at Suffolk Downs, though, since it was without a doubt one of the best live show I've ever seen (despite it's size). THE BETA BAND and Kid Koala opened, which was amazing enough, but then after their regular set was finished Radiohead came back for two long encores, playing for almost THREE HOURS. I got to witness Johnny Greenwood experimenting with his beautiful machines for almost 15 minutes at the end of "The Tourist." They played almost every song I wanted to hear. The weather was perfect. The outdoor crowd was so well controlled that I, in spite of my amazing lack of height, got a pretty good view from my spot closer to the front without being constantly squashed into the barriers by rowdy teenagers and excitable drunks in the back.

I'll keep you all updated on how it goes! No doubt that it will be a welcome break for me, seeing as the baby will be about 2 months old by then (it's happening so fast)! In the meantime, here are some more Radiohead/Grizzly Bear tour dates:

08/03 - Verizon Wireless Music Center @ Indianapolis, IN
08/04 - Blossom Music Center @ Cleveland, OH
08/06 - Parc Jean Drapeau @ Montreal, QC
08/08 - All Points West Music & Arts Festival/Liberty State Park @ Jersey City, NJ
08/09 - All Points West Music & Arts Festival/Liberty State Park @ Jersey City, NJ
08/12 - Susquehanna Bank Center @ Camden, NJ
08/13 - Tweeter Center For the Performing Arts @ Mansfield, MA
08/15 - Molson Amphitheatre @ Toronto, ON

I have to admit I'm particularly excited to see Grizzly Bear. I can usually find a way to see every band that enters into my life in some significant emotional way right at the start of when they begin to touch me (Why? and Parenthetical Girls are good examples of this) but Grizzly Bear has eluded me in one way or another for over a year now. Seeing them at the Tweeter Center opening for Radiohead won't be as wonderful as seeing them at Pearl Street in Northampton this past September would have been, but I'm thankful just the same.

This song in particular was everything to me for a while:

"On A Neck, On a Spit" live

The Only Political Rant I'll Ever Write

I had a large political rant here that I whole heartedly and passionately believed in. The fact that I feel uncomfortable posting it here is just more proof that the current political climate in this country right now is too polarizing and disgustingly underhanded to be tolerable.

I wish I could stop worrying about my family and my son. But I can't, and I won't, until I see some signs of positive change. I'm losing faith more and more every day that this will ever be the case.

SUPER SOULMATES; an introduction to synastry

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I've been struggling with how to approach my interest in astrology here, since I'm fairly certain 98% of the few of you who come here regularly would be hard pressed to find a way to give less of a shit about it. The fact does remain, however, that it's become a large part of my life and I keep WANTING to talk about it, so what's a girl to do?

Approach with humor, of course! Before anyone decides they're feeling ranty and judgemental, I'm fully aware that astrology is not law and I use it mainly as a tool to foresee influence. That being said, please have patience with the following light hearted, slightly tongue in cheek look at astrological synastry.

Does anyone else remember 90's flower child Shannon Hoon, deceased frontman of the band Blind Melon? Perhaps this will jog your memories:


"It's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane"


I recently discovered that, strangely, randomly, and at least according to the cosmic universe, Mr. Hoon and I would have made a pretty formidable pair. I've honestly never seen a chart more compatible with my own before seeing his today. Considering my past choices of partners, it would figure he'd have died young from a drug overdose, right? Synastry-wise, I'm going to examine all of the ways that Shannon Hoon and I would have, astrologically at least, been SUPER SOULMATES.

The planets and houses that are looked at most in synastry (the astrology of compatibility) are each of a pair's Ascendant (the public self), Sun (overall being), Moon (emotions), Mercury (communication), Venus (love), Mars (sexuality), north node (life's path), and the 7th house, aka the Descendant (ideals & relationships). In general, the closer the planets are to each other by sign, the more favorable the aspect. This isn't always the case, but getting into it right now would be horrendously boring and if you've actually made it this far, I don't want to lose you. For the same reason, I'm going to be focusing primarily on conjunctions here (planets within 5 or 6 degrees of each other), as Shannon Hoon and I have many. Moving on!



Lovahs?


Shannon (Solar Libra, Lunar Cancer) and I (Solar Aries, Lunar Capricorn) are both, to our misfortune, Sun square Moon individuals, basically meaning that our emotions are constantly at odds with how we choose to act. While this is a difficult aspect to deal with natally (aka: individually), in synastry sharing difficult aspects like this can bring two people together in a kind of "us vs. them" way that only strengthens their bond. Of course it also means we could get each other into a lot of trouble, but Shannon and I are/were both primarily cardinal people- getting ourselves in to and out of trouble made/makes us feel sexy.

Shannon's Mars in Sagittarius is right on my descendant, and (conveniently) my Mars in Libra is right on his. What this essentially means is that, at least in the raw, sexual sense, Shannon and I would have had all the exact right moves for each other. While favorable overall, there's also the distinct risk of sexual obsession with this aspect, but at least in Shannon and I's case it would have gone both ways, right? The idea of locking myself in a room with a Mars in Sag individual for a week or so and letting off some serious steam is probably the most appealing thing I can imagine (especially going into my last trimester, rendering me hornier than probably ever before. Yes, I said it.)

Even more amazingly, my sun in Aries is conjunct both his Ascendant AND north node. These are two of the most powerful synastry aspects in existence, the combination of the TWO is sort of unbelievable, and I've never seen a chart before Shannon's that I have them with. In the case of the sun & ascendant, the pair in question constantly reinforce each other's personal view of the world, creating a significantly deep spiritual link between them. Imagine a person who you could constantly count on to make you feel less crazy and like you actually belong on the earth; that's what I'm talking about. Sun conjunct north node denotes a relationship that is constantly, and more often than not positively, moving forward. These two people could help each other to grow and accomplish their dreams much, much faster than they could on their own or with another, not as well aspected, partner.

On the flip side, Shannon's *moon* is conjunct *my* north node, another powerful influence in synastry usually seen by astrologers as a "fated" aspect. Davey and I have this aspect, actually, and it helps us out tons considering (like Shannon) his moon in moody, over-emotional Cancer is opposite mine in icy, reserved Capricorn, which would normally cause too much drama to be worth it. While sun conjunct north node concerns itself mainly with the mutual progression of each other's goals, dreams, and self esteem, the connection between north node and the moon is distinctly emotional and remarkably deep. It creates an emotional bond so strong that it's capable of overcoming most of the bullshit and tribulation that cause other relationships to go up in flames, especially if the two are well aspected in other areas as well. The idea of having this many sun/moon/north node conjunctions with another human being sort of blows my mind; I can't even imagine what it would be like, to be honest.

Needless to say, at least astrologically, Shannon Hoon and I's yings and yangs all fit into each other perfectly. Which is always good to know, considering he's long gone. Luckily for me, Davey reminds me of Shannon Hoon anyway, so I'm not too far off... fundamentally.


Absence of shirt? Check!
Guitar? Check!
Ornamented hemp necklace? Check!
Weepy Cancer moon? Check!
Winner? ME!

On the Up

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

This morning my mother, aunt and I moved my grandmother into the dementia unit at Ruth's House in Longmeadow, MA. It's been a long, exhausting process and I honestly feel I'm older now for having been through it, but now that everything is settled I'm just SO excited for my grandmother. They'll be keeping her busy while she's awake with lots of varied activities so that she doesn't have to sit on her love seat all day watching a tv she can't even hear. She's not Jewish, but since Jewish Geriatric Services, Inc. runs Ruth's House she'll be eating kosher now and that will help with her dietary problems. She rooms with an adorable little Irish lady who rarely speaks that everyone calls Froggie. I just think it will do her so much good to be in a place where she can go outside for a walk in the garden if she wants to (actual sunshine! No more artificial light!) or sit on the big patio reading in the shade.

I have my fingers crossed for her, although I admit it was nerve wracking watching her wheel away into the big crowd of strangers that will now be her every day companions. I felt like I was watching my child wander off toward his first day of kindergarten. Will they be nice to her? Will she make friends? Will she be lonely and hate it? Did we do the right thing? My grandmother is so brave, though. Even though she worried herself sick the entire drive over, she introduced herself to everyone. By the time lunch was being served she'd made so many friends that she was sitting with them all at the head of the biggest table in the dining room! She seriously blows my mind.

Now that she's settled somewhere safe, David and I can start living our lives for ourselves again again. We're staying in my grandmothers house (upping the number of generations of my family to have lived here at various times to FOUR!) and are now facing the daunting task of changing the house around to better suit us and the baby. It's a big job, but I'm actually looking forward to it more than I expected. I must be doing some serious nesting. The room we chose for the baby used to be my mothers room when she was small, and we're moving the giant antique mahogany record player into the dining room so that we can listen to our records while we eat. When the weather gets a little bit warmer we'll be putting in a new fence and planting an herb garden in the backyard. If anyone nearby feels like getting their hands dirty soon, I'll be doing a lot of painting in the coming weeks (before I get too pregnant). If you've ever visited my grandmother's house and are concerned, don't worry- her amazing psychedelic yellow and orange floral wallpaper in the kitchen is STAYING. I would NEVER be able to find anything more wonderful and I know it.

With all the fuss and turmoil lately, it completely slipped my mind that my 26th birthday is in EIGHT DAYS. I have the baby shower coming up in June, so it doesn't really make sense for me to have a big party or anything. If I had a housewarming/birthday dinner here or something, though, would anyone come? It won't exactly be last years crazy Manhattan extravaganza (understatement), but it'd still be nice to see everyone and to show off my new home once it's done.

I just had this incredibly insane thought- do I actually have EVERYTHING I could possibly ask for right now? My grandmother is safe and getting the care she needs, my family has been brought closer together because of it, I'm having a baby (who, in utero at least, has an appreciation for the theremin) with a person I love and adore, we live in our own house. Wow, just wow.

If you need me, I'll be upstairs blissing on that for a little while.

most recent baby-centric purchase

Friday, April 4, 2008


@ shopnewskool.com


Other spawn related links I've collected:
Recipes for 11 Different Kinds of Edible Playdough
On Feminism & The Stay At Home Mom
Homemade Baby Food Recipes
Make Your Own Baby Wipes
Baby's First Circus

The Ice Queen Cometh

I have this rather mysterious habit of not dealing with or acknowledging difficult things until months/years after they happen. I've been handling my life like this, in one form or another, since I was a little kid. For better or worse, when I *did* express passionate emotions as a child I was discouraged/ignored until I stopped. Since as early as I can remember I've associated having vulnerable feelings with being crazy/unloved/bad, an opinion that was only reinforced as I grew by most of the absolute winners I chose to have romantic relationships with. So I found other outlets for my feelings that were internal and private, which eventually became flat-out emotional hermitude- even toward myself.

I think that whether I realized it or not, self-repression was one of my main motivators for picking up a pen and starting to write poetry as a kid, and probably an instigating factor in my obsession with music. I could be carefree and easy to deal with in public to please others and then later, when I was alone, be myself on paper while music acted as my personal therapist. Of course as I got older, my hormones started raging and my problems got more complicated; even writing started to become painful for me. I started letting the wrong people in (see aforementioned winners) and had to go deeper and deeper down inside myself each time after to find that quiet, safe place I'd learned to rely on.

I've been this way for so long that it seems second nature to me. Aside from the shock of other people wrongly seeing me as a cold or otherwise unfeeling person at times, it's never really bothered me. Being misunderstood isn't a big deal. So it takes me a little longer than most people to face and work through my shit, so what? I used to feel that exact way, but I've noticed that as I've gotten older the span of time between events and my recognition of my feelings REGARDING those events is getting wider. I can tie in this change with the death of my grandfather 3 years ago, and all of this escalating more rapidly since then. I purposely ended an entire chapter of my life immediately after his death, moving on to an entirely new group of friends, abruptly ending a long term relationship, moving, even changing jobs; and I never looked back. Everything has seemed increasingly more fluid since then.

And now? It took me until my first trimester was over to truly grasp the enormity of my actually having a child. I didn't start to truly deal with any of what I went through in Oregon until a spring and summer had passed. And at this point, who knows when I'll *ever* realize everything I've experienced and dealt with in the past two months living here with my grandmother? I worry sometimes that by the time I'm in my 40's I'll be a complete sociopath. I worry about how it will affect the kind of mother I'll be.

I was thinking about this today because I haven't written anything in such a long time. It feels like I don't have any inspiration, but one look at my life is proof that isn't true. I know myself, I know I'm repressing. But the part of me that insists on giving itself all this time to relax and organize itself before even acknowledging all the shit on the fan almost seems to act as it's own, separate entity these past few years. David would tell me to become a being of light and love; God knows I'm trying.

Laying the foundations for a mini-me

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Foods he's growing on:

Dunkin' Donuts vanilla chai
Mango; specifically mango sorbet
Chocolate milk
Sugar Free Fudgicles
Oh so much Casa De Nana

Music he's hearing often:
Art Bears
Rio En Medio
Pengo
Clara Rockmore
Lau Nau

Name he's currently closest to having:
Connor Bernard Morrow

NKOTB reunited? That hype is fresh, boyee!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

20 years after the release of their break-through album "Hangin' Tough," the New Kids On the Block are apparently finally broke enough that they are reuniting, says boston.com.


Joey, Donnie, Danny, Jordan, & Jon
overalls only a kid could love


I'm not ashamed to admit that I was a HUGE New Kids fan back when the amount of years I'd lived on the earth were still expressed in single digits. I had posters covering every inch of my bright teal bedroom walls, a New Kids themed comforter/sheet set on my bed, and 3 different Joey McIntyre dolls. My cousin and I created a self choreographed lip-synching performance to their song "Happy Birthday" for my aunt's birthday once. I even owned this tshirt, which I caught all sorts of pre-teen hell for from my school friends at the time who were primarily boys, and a New Kids lunch box which was summarily broken on the playground (probably by the same boys). I was a veritable poster girl for why making pop music a commodity is so profitable- I coveted anything multi-colored with Joe McIntyre's picture on it so fervently and obsessively that my mother just gave in time and time again.

I guess this is why I'm never surprised when I read about grown men racing each other in high heels or mother's making up stories about dead war veteran husbands in order to win Hannah Montana tickets for their kids, although I don't think my own parents would have ever gone that far. My parents tried to get me New Kids tickets once for my birthday when the band came to Rhode Island, but they were shocked to find out that the price of concert ticket had risen dramatically since their "let's go see Three Dog Night at the Civic Center" days. Needless to say, no New Kids tickets for me. (Note to parents of Hannah Montana fans: I lived.)

20 years later, the once beloved "fab five from boston" have scattered to the wind. "The Cute One" and my former favorite, Joey, released a horrendously unpopular inspirational Christian album and tried out "Dancing With the Stars" after his eyebrows grew over his face. Jordan, "The Hot One," had a popular single that was chock full of creepy, uncomfortable innuendo and then apparently was on "the Surreal Life." His brother Jon, "The Shy One," after years and years of therapy for anxiety issues stemming from having been famous, started a developing business in Boston. Donnie, "The Bad One," was in "Ransom" and "The Sixth Sense," and Danny Wood, "The Ugly One" (whom my friends and I less than affectionately used to refer to as "Monkey Face"), is apparently a music producer. Where did all the money go, guys? Surely no respectful almost-40 year old would feel comfortable doing synchronized dances to songs with names like "Valentine Girl" and "Popsicle" unless he was broke as fuck, right?

Keep your eyes peeled, former Blockheads; it'll be interesting at the very least.

 
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